So, I did basically stop going to the doctor’s. The behavioural therapist wasn’t going to help – our whole half hour meeting resulted in her giving me a woman’s health centre number and recommending medication 15 times. With a few more weeks clarity, I can see that this is at WORST moderate depression, and probably fading away to mild, and I know enough about the meds to know that the difference between the placebo and the drugs for moderate depression is minimal, and they take a month or two to work, and frankly, a month has passed and I really do feel much better, so the drugs are out. Talk therapy doesn’t seem to be the right answer, because honestly, the things that I worry about are the things that only time will fix. Fears about the future, especially overly specific ones, can really only be solved by, you know, being in the future. And as for CBT, I do know what to do. This is not my first rodeo, and I know what I need to do when I get an anxiety loop. I just have to DO it, and it’s getting easier.
In fact, it’s all getting easier. I’m down to about one day in 14 that involve weeping and sadness. So yay for that!
One of my big fears when I was pregnant was that we’d be stuck – that we’d never travel again. Travel’s pretty important to us. Between our wedding two years ago and Jess’s birth, I went on seven vacations to eight countries, including nine American states. Which I love. And we kept being told how hard it is to travel once you have a baby, and I swear I felt the walls closing in on me. So. We got the baby a passport and took her on her first week long road trip before she turned four whole months old.
And she was a champ. Slept for most of the drives, slept decently in most of the hotel rooms, handled us eating in restaurants without too much fussing…
Montana takes it to eight vacations, to eight countries, and ten American states.
Admittedly, she slept through the Road to the Sun, and her first glacier, and her third boarder crossing, and all sorts of other things. But as the nice man who stopped us on the Red Rocks walk said, you don’t travel for the kids at this age, you travel for you and what are you gonna do, leave the kid at home?
And it went fine, and we’ll do it again. We’re booked for Mexico for David’s sister’s wedding in November, and tentative plans to visit my sister in grad school in Toronto in February. And I’m pushing for Europe next fall, while she can still travel free. (We’ll splurge for a real airline, with bassinets though. Not a trip to fly on the cheapest charter you can find, no.) Or maybe Yellowstone and the Lewis and Clark Caverns next summer, if Europe is a no go.
And you know what, it helped. The walls will only close in on me if I let them. I plan to go back to work in 8 months, and I am sure that time will fly by. I’m already looking at daycares. (Ugh.) We have a sweet, easy going baby who I hope we can keep training to tolerate road trips and vacations and strange hotel rooms with dead birds (Montana is kind of hick…). No. Not hope. Will MAKE. She’s joining our family and yes, a huge amount of our lives, especially right now, is wrapped around her needs, but we’re a family who likes to travel, and damn it, we’ll make the kid join us. Because, what are we gonna do, leave her at home?