So that happened.
Then we went up to Edmonton for the weekend and stayed at the Fantasy Land Hotel in the Roman room. Complete with round bed, mirrors on the ceilings and all the walls, and a giant jacuzzi tub that took 40 minutes to fill and we watched tv from the tub. Also, several hours of waterslides. And a bunch of rum. It was pretty awesome, and a night in a theme room has been on my wish list since I was 6.
I also ate bean sprouts and sushi. I mean, of course.
Whatever. It apparently happens 50-60% of first pregnancies. I wasn’t event particularly late, it’s just that I know my body very, very well and can identify changes. A life time of illnesses and a decade with digestive issue make me pay a lot of attention to how I feel, all the time. hoping to be pregnant made me even more vigilant. (Also, the heartburn, gas, ginormous boobs that I couldn’t fit in to my coat, bloating and ladypart twinges were pretty clear.) So that happened and we’ll try again in a few weeks and go from there.
On thing it did make me think about is telling people when we are sucessfully expecting. I told my closest girlfriends (and the internet) about losing it as soon as it happened, basically. ANd I’m glad I did. Support was instant and needed. But. The thought of telling my mother? NO. No. Am I allowed to tell my friends before family? Can I tell his supportive family before I tell my mother? Please? I know I’m borrowing problems here, but it is a worrying one. She’s … a challenge. One I don’t relish dealing with…
So. Now I know what an very early miscarriage both looks like, and feels like.
On the upside, I can have a drink (or 5) tonight. And I didn’t waste money peeing on a stick only to have this happen. And I know I can get pregnant. And. Well. I guess that’s it for silver linings.
So, for years I used to mock those pregnancy testing commercials. You know, the ones about how you can test super early? I was always like, “you can’t wait 3 more days? Jeeze, people.”
And now? Now that time is standing still? I UNDERSTAND THE IMPULSE.
Refuse to give in, of course. General principle meets cheapness. But I still understand.
And feel the shame because of it. 🙂
I’m not, perhaps, the most patient person. Also, I’m crazy, and that never helps anything.
I’m at that waiting period, where life continues along, but the little voice in the back of my head keeps wishing and fretting and hoping. Does that sudden rush of nausea on the train mean anything, or is it a simple but new-to-me low blood sugar crash due to a light dinner the night before? My large breast are ginormous today (I couldn’t do up my COAT) but is that a sign or is it because I made salty popcorn and am retaining water in the chestal area? Today’s fitness class, called I like to call Death by Cardio, slayed me. Was that just because it was unexpectedly brutal, even by the standards of the class, or because I haven’t been sleeping well, or??
In this case, time very much will solve my problems, but right now I’m counting days and rushing through any furniture project that involves lots of fumes in small spaces. And, you know, over analyzing every single freaking thing. Because that’s what I do.